Your divorce agreement is ready to sign or your lawyer has just sent you the judge’s decision. For good or bad, you think your divorce marathon is finally over. Not so fast! You owe it to yourself to FULLY UNDERSTAND either your divorce agreement or the judgment handed down by the court. There may be further negotiation needed to determine the implementation of the asset split or how the children’s expenses will get paid, especially if a child custody payment is not a part of your settlement. Unfortunately, legal recourse may also be needed to force your ex to abide by the divorce conditions. 

I. Processing Your Divorce Agreement or Judgement

This is not a task you can punt to your lawyers, though you certainly should consult with them so they can explain the document. It is critical to go through the document, line by line, to make sure you understand it, particularly the financial elements. In doing so, think about the following:

• Have all assets been considered and do you understand how they will be divided? Be sure to review the assets listed in both of your Financial Statements as a check
• Does the alimony calculation make sense to you? Take one last look at his income value in the alimony calculation, compare it to his actual income in your most recent tax filings to verify he has been truthful
• Is the document clear about how the children’s expenses will get paid, especially if there is not a provision for child support?
• Is the document specific about how will your income taxes be paid for the year in which you are divorced? If not, this will need further negotiation
• Is anything confusing or unclear as to what exactly should happen and how much money must be transferred from one person to the other?

This effort is not about whether you like what you got, it is about making sure it is clear and there are no mistakes/omissions that might work in your favor. Attorneys and judges sometimes make mistakes and it is up to you to find them. It’s also up to you to fact check a lying spouse for financial misrepresentations which are then used to calculate asset splits and alimony.

It was difficult for me to even look through the judge’s decision and rationale. It seemed so final. Of course he acknowledged all of Scott’s bad behavior. Further, in allowing us to present it and examine him about it, Scott’s behavior was in the public record. I considered this insurance for me, because I was certain he would eventually deny he had done it, particularly to our girls. Gaslighting was his specialty! Further, I got back about half of the money Scott had spent. Still, it seemed like Scott had gotten away with a lot.

I am SO GLAD I took a careful look and spent the time with my attorneys understanding the financials of my divorce judgement, particularly the alimony calculation and the 2014 tax money payback from Scott. If I hadn’t, I would have left quite a bit of money on the table, NET of attorney’s fees.

 

II. Implementing Your Asset Split

Your agreement or judgement will be specific about the split of the family assets, but may not say how to get it done. You don’t need your attorneys to implement the split, but you may have to negotiate some of the elements of how it is done with your ex-spouse. Don’t expect your ex-spouse to do his best to honor your signed agreement or judge’s ruling, particularly if he is as unethical as Scott. If he doesn’t comply, you must decide if it is worth the legal fees to take him to court (probably by filing a Contempt Order and making a court appearance with your attorney). This means doing a financial calculation comparing the estimate of additional attorney’s fees to what you might gain by going back to court.

Scott simply was not going to pay back any of the 2014 tax money I had paid using my own private funds. He was clear about it in emails we exchanged. The only way to get the money was to file a Contempt Order. He repaid a good portion of it some four days before we were to appear in court, probably hoping I would back down on the rest AND on the alimony revision. I didn’t because I reasoned it was worth paying my attorney to appear in court and argue on my behalf on both issues. It paid off…..BIG TIME.

 

III. Paying for Your Children’s Expenses

In many cases, child support is the mechanism by which your ex will contribute to your children’s expenses. My divorce judgement did not include child support and instead was quite detailed about how our children’s expenses would get paid. Don’t make the mistake of fronting his share of the expenses and then asking him to pay you back. Doing so allows your ex to pick and choose what he will pay and when, with your only recourse being an expensive trip back to court. The better approach is to have him direct billed as much as possible.

For example, Scott was required to pay 2/3 of our daughter’s riding expenses and I would pay 1/3. For many of the larger expense line items (horse board, lessons and others), I informed the provider of the service he would pay his 2/3 share directly. I was less successful in doing so for other expenses like horse shows, supplies and so on. This put me in the position of presenting those expenses to Scott (along with receipts), and then he would decide what qualified. Moreover, he would take between 3 and 4 weeks to pay me back. As time progressed, I pushed more and more of her expenses to direct billing.

 

IV. Ongoing Payment Issues

Insuring on-time payment of alimony, child support and children’s expenses is a tough issue. Your only recourse if your spouse doesn’t pay is to take him back to court. I believe the cost of filing at least one Contempt Order is worth it for two reasons. First, it sends a strong signal you are not going to put up with any bullshit. Second, my attorneys tell me it is widely known judge’s hate it when spouses don’t pay their alimony or child support. Chances are, your spouse will pay so he doesn’t have to show up in court with his attorney and face an angry judge. Having shown your willingness to haul him back into court, he is far less likely to withhold payment in the future.

I filed the Contempt Order to force Scott to repay me the 2014 tax money. I also was willing to face him in court to argue the alimony calculation and other money I believed he owed me. When I have threatened to file a Contempt Order on the few occasions he stalls on a payment, he knows I’ll do it and he eventually complies.

It sucked I had to haul Scott’s ass to court to force him to comply with our divorce judgement. I should have been finished and he should have done the right thing, or at least followed the legal judgement. But a narcissist, compulsive liar and cheater like Scott simply won’t behave any better after the divorce than he did when we were married. A credible threat of legal action continues to be the only thing he understands. Sad but true.