I. Get Tested

Once you discover your husband has had sexual relations with the other woman, you must assume you have been exposed to whatever sexual cesspool she has been in. It is therefore critical you get tested for STD’s, no matter how embarrassed you might be by the prospect. You need to do this immediately. If you are uncomfortable going to your primary care doctor or gynecologist, go to a local walk-in clinic and pay cash. In doing so, you can keep the results private from your health insurance. There are also low cost and anonymous STD testing services you can contact on-line.

I did go to my gynecologist and got tested. I told Scott I was doing this and I was insulted by the fact I had been exposed to all of the diseases she might be carrying. He shrugged his shoulders, said I was being overly dramatic and I shouldn’t assume she was a slut. Empathy wasn’t his strong suit.

 

 II. Financial Protection Revisited

If, like me, you give your spouse a second chance and they relapse, it becomes even more important to protect yourself financially. All of the recommendations in Chapter 1 are relevant if the affair has either resumed or didn’t stop in the first place. At this point, you must take charge and insist on transparency in the implementation of the financial recommendations. This means connecting directly with your financial advisor and lawyer to insure your requests for asset protection are being implemented.

In my case, a major change in our assets coincided with the new revelation of Scott’s affair. Since Scott’s consulting firm was being acquired by a much larger firm, he would be receiving substantial buyout payments in yearly installments over three years. The first installment was coming in September, just a month after my second discovery of his affair.

This time, despite being in shock (bad enough that I lost ten pounds in about two weeks), I insistently demanded all of the buyout money be deposited into a joint trust account. I wanted specific assurance from our investment advisor and tax attorney that both of our signatures would be needed for any withdrawals.

I explained to Scott this would protect both of us from any unilateral withdrawals. Scott complied with the request, though he was put out by how obsessive I was about protecting the assets. He was also irritated I insisted on being at the meetings with our investment advisor and tax attorney instead of letting him make the arrangements himself.

Unfortunately, I still avoided the bank accounts, credit line and credit cards. Still way too trusting on my part.

 

III. Detailed Cellphone Analysis

It is now critical to question the truthfulness of anything you husband says, if you haven’t done so already. In particular, you should determine if he has lied about the timeline of the affair and whether he ever stopped seeing her as he perhaps had promised to do.

Check his story about the nature and timing of their contact (or build it yourself from what he has told you in the past). With her phone number(s) identified, check his story by going through historical cell phone bills. If you don’t have them, order them on-line from your cell phone company, to be sent either in electronic or paper versions. You can also investigate whether he has been in contact with her on specific dates and times such as holidays and birthdays. You should check the phone bills going forward to determine if he has reconnected with her.

Scott said they had stopped in June the previous year as he had promised me he would. When she contacted him in February, he ignored her repeated calls then finally answered one and they started up again. He gave this version of events to me and also to our oldest daughter and his father on the weekend I found out about his continued affair.

Knowing her cell phone and landline numbers, I looked through his calling and texting detail in our cell phone bills for the 14-month time period and found they had never stopped calling and texting, except during a brief period around Thanksgiving and Christmas. The brief break in their contact coincided with Scott giving me the new $25k engagement/wedding ring set. He must have felt guilty. I later called them my “Kobe Bryant” rings, cheaper versions of the $4m ring Kobe Bryant bought his then wife after his extramarital exploits were made public.

Because I had the phone records, I could confront him with hard evidence of his lying. He reacted angrily at first as if I had no right to check his story, but later admitted he had lied when we discussed it in therapy. Despite my request, he did not tell the true version of events to our daughter or his father. I did stop wearing the “Kobe Bryant” rings when I discovered the new timeline. They reminded me of what a liar he had been.

I also continued to check our cell phone bills as verification he was no longer in contact with her.

 

IV. Build a Profile of the Affair Partner

You must also assume the affair partner has no qualms about being the other woman and will go after whatever she can get — money, rent or a purchased house, expensive gifts and even the end of your marriage. Building a profile of her will help you to understand just who you are dealing with.

On-Line Research: The Power of Google

In Chapter 1, I outlined how to use reverse phone search engines to identify the name associated with the phone numbers he has called. Once you have the name of the affair partner you can use Google to find out additional information about her.

Star by Googling her name in quotes in all possible ways — Wendi Masterson, Wendi Masterson Morton, Wendi Morton. This will produce anything she has written or has been written about her including Facebook, LinkedIn and any social media accounts linked to her name. It will also produce pictures of her existing on-line. Also Google her email address and any images of her you find on-line. It may produce additional information.

I found a great deal of on-line formation about Wendi Morton. Here is just a sample:

Summarize the Profile

By putting together all of the on-line information you have found and any information he has offered about her, you can build a profile. Wendi’s profile was as follows:

Wendi Masterson Morton

• I had found her address, email, cell phone, landline number and several images of her.
• She was 42-year old divorced mother with two kids in grade school
• She met her ex-husband at a bar (he was a bartender). He now managed a restaurant.
• She owned townhouse in Mahwah, NJ (possibly with her ex-husband).
• She had two jobs: spin instructor and sales rep for a wine distributor. She positioned herself on LinkedIn as passionate about fitness and wine. She had a Twitter account, @WendiGrapes focusing on wine.
• She had a college degree from Northwestern – was she underemployed?
• She claimed to be engaged and had written publicly about her fiancé’s custody issues
  • she also made it into the local news for losing her “engagement ring” which was then found by a good Samaritan.
• She liked to write letters to the editor on topics such as body image, child rearing and child custody. Did she like the public eye and to be seen as “smart?” She was opinionated about girls’ body image (and yet she was in the fitness industry).
• Her Facebook posts to public pages were mostly about restaurants, bars – was she a party girl?

The profile showed what a worn out cliché Scott was: a middle aged man falls for a younger fitness instructor who likes to party! How sad!!!! I often wonder why he left his phone exposed and available for me to check that night. He was usually so secretive. I now think him such a spineless weasel he couldn’t nut up and just tell me. Or maybe he was hoping I would find and ignore it, thinking he was such a good catch I would be okay with sharing him with his mistress down in New Jersey. Either way, I caught him and forced him to make a choice. Or so I thought!