Chapter 3: Lessons Learned
I. Take Control of the Family Finances
Your husband just moved out, saying he needed space. There is another woman, she is younger, and has two small kids. She is a part time spin instructor. He told you he wasn’t leaving you for her but at this point you know he is lying. Her profile suggests she is betting on him to be her meal ticket to the good life. Your own situation may differ in the specifics, but if your husband has cheated, lied and the other woman needs his money, you can bet she is using any trick she can to get a permanent commitment.
Now what? Time for a pity party? Tempting, but before you do, take control of your family finances. One of your biggest concerns once a cheater moves out is him siphoning off family money during the separation. If you have not already done so, you should aggressively implement the financial protections recommended in Chapters 1 and 2. You will also need to come to an agreement with him about how you both will pay living expenses.
As you negotiate this agreement with him, insist on clarity and control regarding where he will be depositing his income. If you don’t already know his payment schedule (when he gets paid and how much), demand to see it. Also demand all of his income disbursements be deposited into the family checking account, directly from his employer. Let him know you will be doing the same with your income.
If he sets up a separate bank account to manage his own financial affairs, he clearly doesn’t want you to see how he is spending the money. Negotiate aggressively with him about his separate living expenses and their cost. Require the money be taken from the family bank account instead of as a direct deposit from his employer, so you can verify how much he takes. If he won’t show you all of his spending detail, it is safe to assume he is spending some of it on the other woman. It is important to keep track of the money he takes and any spending detail he is willing to give you. You may decide later to reconcile his legitimate spending (rent, car, etc.) against the total monies he took, so you can demand he repay all or part of the money spent on his girlfriend.
Take responsibility for paying the family bills and managing the family checking account. Offer him full visibility to the account so he can see how you are spending the family money, including spending on yourself. Ask him for the same verification of how he is spending the money in his account. He will certainly say no but it shows you are being transparent about how you are spending the family money and he isn’t.
Taken together, these steps give you significant control over your family’s cash inflows (both of your incomes) and outflows. You also can assure him you are being an open book about how you are spending the family’s money, yourself included. He may not wish to be open about his spending but you will at least know how much he has taken.
It is important there is a paper trail of your negotiations and agreements. Summarize in an email any agreements made and ask him to reply to confirm his agreement. Send him email confirmations of your income as it is deposited into the joint account and of any extraordinary or unexpected expenses you pay. Also question via email any withdrawals or payments he makes from the joint checking account you find suspicious.
When Scott left, I took over the family checking account and bill paying. I also closed our home equity line of credit, something I should have done much earlier. He continued his full access to the account. He decided to set up his own personal account, initially taking $5,000 to do it. I emailed him we needed to come to an agreement about financial management during the separation, but was at a loss as to what we should do. Scott suggested his parents recommend a fair solution and his mother even emailed a proposal. I ignored it. His mother playing the impartial judge? I don’t think so – especially if he wasn’t lying and she thought I had started it all by having an affair.
Instead, I set up a meeting with a divorce attorney to advise me regarding our short term finances. I also wanted to get an understanding of the divorce process.
Jeffry and his associate Wanda gave me sound advice about negotiating the short term financials with Scott. I was later glad I had come to an agreement with Scott that maximized my control over the family finances. It established a precedent for managing our living expenses that carried through most of our lengthy divorce process. 1
I was even able to strengthen my position after we filed for divorce. We agreed to specific living expenses he could pay from the joint checking account (his rent, car, insurance and other “acceptable expenses”). If he wanted additional money and didn’t want to provide an accounting of how it was spent, I would get a matching amount, which I deposited to a personal account. I continued to use the joint account for spending on the girls and myself, and gave him full visibility into the details of our spending. My rationale was I was spending as I always had on legitimate family expenses, including spending on me. If he wanted an additional $20,000 and didn’t want to tell me what he was spending it on, fine but I got $20,000 as well.
II. Protecting Yourself Physically and Emotionally
Once your husband leaves, it is also important to protect yourself physically and emotionally. The following helped me to emotionally distance myself from Scott after he moved out.
Move His Stuff Out (or at least Out of Sight)
If your husband moves out of the house, all of his stuff should move out too. Looking at his clothes, toiletries and anything else uniquely his will be a constant reminder of him and what he has done. He may not be in a position to take all of his belongings right away. If so, move them to a place in the house where you don’t have to look at them. This is a “rip the band-aid” kind of moment, so do it as soon as possible. If you have issues with his family, it may be therapeutic to remove anything they have given you as well.
The day Scott moved out, I boxed up all of his clothes, toiletries and any other things of his I could find. Throwing his clothes into the boxes helped me channel my anger. It was his problem if his expensive suits, ties and shirts came out of the box looking like someone had blown their nose on them. He didn’t make my life easy by moving out so there is was no reason I should make it convenient for him. I marched all of the boxes down to the basement storage area where I wouldn’t have to look at them. I moved some of my clothes into his closet. I had always wanted the extra space – now I had it.
He picked up the boxes a few weeks later, while I was out of the house. It was one of the few times I let him in the house after he left. During the next few months, any time I found something else of his, I either threw it away or left it outside the garage for him to pick up. I got some satisfaction in disposing of things his family had given to us or to me. It was not like they had been kind to me when Scott’s infidelity had come out. As was their family custom, they acted like he hadn’t done it and expected the same from me.
He did ask specifically for a framed photograph his friend Tom had given us. Scott had chosen to hang the photograph on our bedroom wall next to his side of the bed. Oddly, he didn’t ask for the portrait of our girls his sister had painted. I was happy to tell him to come pick up his sister’s portrait anyway – I had never liked it in the first place.
Don’t See Him or Let Him in the House
Physical distance from him will help you establish emotional distance. Be clear you will not permit an open door policy if he moves out. Change the locks if necessary. If he wants to see the children, he can come and pick them up and drop them off outside the house. One of the challenges in doing this is you will be left to manage the household without his help. This may require looking for new resources for things such as household repairs. I became quite proficient as the “handyman” around the house. It was great to get things got done on my schedule instead of dealing with his “Maybe I’ll get to it after you endlessly bug me about it” attitude.
Refusing to meet with him will also help you distance yourself emotionally. You can connect by phone, text and email to communicate as necessary about the kids and their scheduling. Negotiations about next steps are less emotional if done by phone, text or email. Furthermore, if you are able to do the negotiations via text or email, you will have a paper trail.
Scott was a really good bullshit artist. He skillfully acted the part of the loving husband when he was with me. I spent 21 years believing he was an honest and faithful husband. For another two years, I desperately hoped he would come to his senses and return to the man I thought he was.
Everyone has a “THAT’S IT,” moment and mine was when Scott moved out, especially given his wish list. Scott wanted to move out but come and go as he pleased. He wanted to “date’ me to see if we could rekindle the fire and he wanted sex still available. He wanted us to see the couple’s therapist to discuss how to co-parent our youngest daughter. He wanted his parents to tell us how to manage our finances. I was done with his egocentric crap. Three strikes you’re out!
- If you and your spouse are unable to agree how to manage your living expenses during the divorce proceedings, temporary support will be decided by the judge in your case. You will be at a disadvantage if this number is lower than expected. Your spouse will anchor on it in your divorce negotiations. In addition, if the temporary support is below your normal family spending, your spouse may try to force a settlement by starving you out.