Our couples’ therapist, in the two plus years we saw him before Scott and I separated, was at best ineffectual. At worst, he was harmful to me personally. I did not feel safe in our therapy sessions. The two of them often tag teamed to practice INDIVIDUAL therapy on me. Of course Scott now deemed himself an expert therapist too. I found it unnerving and devaluing, especially since Scott perversely enjoyed my discomfort at being the focal point.

Worse, in our second year of therapy, I specifically demanded Scott and the therapist not engage in private, one-on-one discussions. They did it anyway, which to me was a HUGE violation of the trust contract I had demanded of the therapist.

He was insightful about one thing, however. Early in our couples’ therapy, upon reading some of the letters I had given Scott, he told me he thought writing would be therapeutic for me. He was right. It was particularly helpful to me emotionally once Scott left. After we separated, I sent Scott many emails and texts, all in an effort to understand why he had left. Scott answered a few but didn’t respond to most of them.

My writing became much more intense after we filed for divorce and I began unraveling what he had been up to for the previous four years. In addition to writing emails and texts to him, I also wrote for myself. What I was uncovering was both bizarre and horrible. I didn’t think people would believe me and was desperate to have at least my daughters understand the truth of what had happened. I first tried to write the history of the four previous years as a letter to them. I wanted them to know what I had been through, what I had done about it and the evidence I had uncovered about their father. It was frankly a sad, personal and painful look at the breakdown of my marriage.

There came a point, however, when the tone of the writing just wasn’t working for me. Still, I felt compelled to keep writing. A good friend suggested I just write whatever I felt like writing. Which I did.

By then, I had gotten Scott’s hidden phone records, Scott was no longer just a husband with a mistress. The data now revealed a man obsessed with sex. At any given time, he had multiple mistresses, sugar babies, hookers. Some two at a time. It was getting ridiculous and frankly, had become funny, in a gallows humor sort of way. Once the phone records revealed all the women, my writing started to reflect a more satirical perspective of Scott’s story.

I think some of my best writing turned out to be the satirical pieces. Here is one of my favorites.

Scott’s Operating Instructions

To Scott’s future wives – I am sure there will be more than one. In fact, my guess is the first one will be one of the women he was screwing while still married to me. I wish someone had given me these operating instructions when I married Scott. I unfortunately learned the hard way.

Sex Advice

Make sure he gets a lot of sex and learn the signs he wants to have sex. Important tip—he doesn’t come out and ask for it, he expects you to read the signs:

• When you go to bed and he puts his arms around you, puts his hand on your leg or touches any other part of your body – he wants to have sex. This includes if he wakes up in the middle of the night – you are supposed to wake up at the feel of his touch and want sex too.
• When he comes up behind you and gives you a hug – he wants to have sex.
• When he wakes up in the morning (and he wakes up early) – he wants to have sex immediately, not when you get up.
• If he gooses you by sticking his hand in your crotch and then laughs – he wants to have sex.
• When he comes in the shower with you – he wants to have sex.
• When he doesn’t touch you, kiss you or make any other move – he wants you to INITIATE sex.
• If at any time you are in doubt, assume he wants to have sex. He checks the frequency and lets you know about it. In fact, best to just act like you want sex at least twice a day and let him tell you when he doesn’t. Don’t worry about being near a bedroom – he’ll do it with you in the car with your clothes on. Hand and blow jobs also count.
• When you have sex with him, make sure you have an orgasm (he doesn’t know if you are faking it). It is a pride thing with him – makes him feel like a man to know he satisfies a woman. If you don’t he’ll keep working on you and believe me, it is exhausting.
• He likes boobs and plays with nipples like he is changing stations on a car radio – he must think it turns a woman on. He’ll do it even if you make it clear it doesn’t feel good. Who knows why he does it. Maybe he didn’t get breast fed enough. And he does expect you to ooh and ah over it!
• He’ll want you to dance for him naked or near naked – he certainly asked me to do it though I never would. I am sure he would pay for a stripper pole to be installed in the bedroom. The trashier the better. He also will ask you to use toys, lubricants, food – his approach is like he is in an amusement park.
• If he asks and you agree to an open marriage, don’t assume you are off the hook for sex with him. He still expects it from you when he is home. After all, you are part of the harem.
• Don’t assume the open marriage agreement is open on your side. He gets quite jealous and angry when he suspects one of his regular girls (which is what you and a number of others will be) is also playing around. Like a Saudi Prince that way, only without the money.
• If you don’t meet his sex quota (even if he is getting it from someone else too), he will get really pissy about it. He may complain his wife doesn’t have the sex drive he does. More likely, he will whine he is not appreciated but what he means is he is not getting laid.

What He Expects You to Do (Besides the Sex)

• He’ll want you to exercise with him – running, biking, skiing, lifting weights, tennis and any other sport he might be interested in. It won’t necessarily be a sport you have an interest in. But he doesn’t want you to be better than him – in fact it is important to him he is the expert and can teach you.
• His mother — be like her. This includes having a full-time job, managing the household, cooking, cleaning up and making sure you always look polished. He wants you to make his life easy and make him look good.
• Make a significant income but not as much as he does – he will compare his salary to yours.
• Make sure the kids are taken care of and manage their schedules. 
• Give him a social life. He’ll want you to schedule all of the social events and have all of the friends too, since he really doesn’t have any.

How to Know if There Are There Other Women

The short answer to the question is of course there are. He is a sex fiend after all. “Other women” is appropriate because he doesn’t want just one other woman, he likes A COLLECTION! Here are some signs to confirm it:

• He won’t let you use his phone for any reason. As a test, ask him to use the mapping app to help direct the two of you to a new location while he is driving. If he doesn’t hand it over, it is a sure sign. Ask him for his IPAD or laptop too – he won’ t let you use them either.
• He gets on his IPAD and says he is checking the political blogs when he wakes up. Political blogs are code for him for porn, dating websites, on-line hooker ads and assorted other sexually oriented websites. Another tipoff is if the chair he usually sits in is backed up to a wall or corner so you can’t walk behind him to see what he is doing.
• He comes home from his weekly business trip and says he is too tired to have sex. In fact, if he says needs to be away during the week to “work with clients” he is having sex with other women.
• Large payments to his credit cards and he won’t let you look at the bills. If he has electronic bill pay on the cards, ask him to give you online access to the accounts. If he says no, you can be sure he is using them to pay for the hotels, restaurants, gifts etc., just like he did with you when he was married to me.

Insist You Manage the Finances

• Do not, under any circumstances, let him manage the finances. He would probably screw it up even if he weren’t spending on other women. If he does manage the finances, you can be sure he will use the money for sex with the others in his harem.
• He is clever about finding new sources of credit (will use credit lines, open new credit cards, use joint credit cards and his companies’ credit cards). You have to watch all of them. He used his companion card to the Platinum Amex in my name to pay for some of his activities and also used a credit card cosigned by his father.
• Monitor the bank statements as he’ll need cash to pay the sugar babies and hookers. Also check his pockets, briefcase, car, closet and anyplace else he might hide the cash on the weekends. While you are at it, check for a hidden phone too.
• Get access to his monthly phone bills and check all of the numbers. Learn how to do a reverse phone search on-line to check who he is calling and where.

It is Important You Follow His Requirements on Your Appearance

• Don’t gain weight and only wear tight clothes. In fact, do yourself a favor and just let him pick your clothes, sunglasses, jewelry and anything else you might wear. He gets really pissed when his woman doesn’t meet his definition of attractive – because in his mind it reflects on his status.
• Don’t get a short haircut. He (like his dad) insists his women have long hair.
• He will also want you in a bikini at the beach so make sure you look good in one.
• He doesn’t mind paying for plastic surgery and cosmetic improvements and in fact will push you to do it so you continue to meet his appearance standard.
• He’ll want you to have a Brazilian wax job and may even offer to do it for you himself. He asked if he could do one for me: HOW GROSS!!!!
• Best advice — don’t age, he likes them young and will pay for it.

 Be Careful About What You Say and Do

• He is not really interested in what you have to say. Better you listen, in rapt attention, to him and all of the important, entertaining and insightful things he has to say. He wants to TEACH and INFORM you because he is so much smarter and well read.
• Bad idea to disagree with him – on anything, even when you know he is wrong (and he probably is a lot of the time).
• He is a compulsive liar, ironic since his mother was a judge. When you think he is wrong or lying, he probably is — though he certainly does not want you to call him on it.
• When with others, it is especially important you let him do all of the talking, even if you realize he is embarrassing himself and others find him offensive. He will never get it and he will get pissed if you point it out to him.
• Don’t ever say anything bad about his family, especially his mother. The party line is his family and upbringing were perfect, his sister is the screw up and his family (especially his mother) is warm and loving to everyone they meet. He will side with them instead of you in the end so don’t kid yourself.
• When you are with his family, don’t make any waves, no matter what he or his sister does. Those two get a free pass on their behavior from their parents and each other, you don’t. You are expected to be the dutiful spouse, ignore anyone’s crazy or rude behavior, help his mother at all times (even if she doesn’t want the help – make sure he sees you ask so you get credit) and agree with everything he says. They think they are a “picket fence family,” and don’t want anyone pointing out the obvious contradictions.
• If you don’t tacitly agree with the family political discussions, be prepared to get pounced on by all four of them for your liberal perspectives. If that is offensive to you, do what I did and wash a lot of dishes so you can be out of the room when the discussions start.
• Better yet, agree with him totally no matter what your political views are. Tell him you have changed your registration to Republican and vigorously support any political candidate he likes. Don’t forget to vocally despise any candidate or party he doesn’t like. If you have to, plug your nose and lie about who you have voted for (or if you have indeed voted). It will give him a big narcissistic charge if he thinks he has brought you over to his (“far right”) side so lie if you can stomach it.
  

 

Writing was a huge help to me as I managed through the emotional ups and downs (mostly downs) of my divorce. I couldn’t exactly explain why I was doing it. I had never believed I could write particularly well, though I was proficient and clear at writing business documents. Still, I often fantasized about writing a book — I just needed something compelling to write about. As it turns out, the end of my marriage provided the compelling content. My writing became a barometer of my emotional progress throughout the divorce process. I knew I was getting better when the tone of my writing changed, especially when my sense of humor reappeared.

In addition, I was adamant I needed to document and prove what Scott had done. What I was finding out was crazy and Scott had worked hard to successfully maintain his “Mr. Clean” image. Every time I suspected something new and more horrendous (such as women as young as my daughter), my friends and family would say, “Oh Gail, there you go exaggerating again. Scott may have done a lot but he is just not the type to do THAT.” Of course, Scott would maintain I was bitter and lying about his behavior. So, I would do the research, find out it was true and document it.

My standard line to friends and family was, “you just can’t make this shit up.” My research and writing backed the claim up and was essential to rebuilding my confidence.