I sold the house in spring of 2016 and left Massachusetts one month after my youngest daughter graduated from high school. I had come full circle. I couldn’t leave in the beginning of our difficulties. When I finally felt able to, I couldn’t get out of town fast enough.

I lived the vagabond life for a year and a half, splitting time between short term rentals in Arizona and bunking at my sister’s in California. It took me some time to decide where I wanted to put down roots. Someplace new — Arizona? Or back to Northern California, where I could be near family, including my oldest daughter.

Now, some four years later, it is spring of 2019. I live in a beautiful home in Arizona, one my friends and family love to visit. I am grateful for my tribe of new friends who are helping me with my journey towards a happy, fulfilling life. I have new interests – golf, board memberships and work at a local university. In the words of an old friend, I am “moving it along.”

These four years post-divorce have not been without their difficulties. Scott immediately filed an appeal on the asset portion of divorce judgement, particularly the judge’s decisions regarding the payment of our 2014 and 2015 taxes. I gave Scott statistics I found on-line showing the slim chances he would win but it had no effect. He continued to think he knew more than the judge. Fighting the appeal would require additional attorney’s fees, though Patrick was confident we would win.

In no surprise to me, Scott lost his job. As a result, he filed to have my alimony reduced right before I left Massachusetts. He knew he was getting canned in April, with the end of June being his separation date. Ever the asshole, he waited to inform me and dropped the legal papers three days before I was scheduled to move, with the house sold and the movers scheduled. It was just as well. The timing precluded me from reevaluating my decision to go.

These two legal maneuvers produced financial uncertainty reigniting my PTSD and delaying my decision about where I would live. It took a year to resolve both issues. I won the appeal. On the other hand, my alimony has been dramatically reduced as Scott rebuilds his income. Should he be successful in his efforts, negotiating an increase in alimony is a possibility.

Though my financial picture isn’t what I had hoped it would be, I am nonetheless fortunate.

I am often asked if I think Scott’s behavior has changed, usually with phrasing such as, “Do you think he is still acting out sexually?” This expression of the question presumes his unhappiness with our marriage was the sole reason for his behavior. I don’t fault people for asking this way – Scott’s smokescreen while we were married was that good.

I respond by stating what our history and the evidence have shown me. He is a sex addict, a compulsive liar and has narcissistic personality disorder. His sexual preference is debatable. Whether he is bisexual (as he stated in numerous dating profiles) or gay he is deeply in the closet. His family would find either preference unacceptable. I believe he is deeply conflicted by it personally as well.

Despite this, he is functional, able to earn a living and maintains his definition of a “normal” cover story. He has a new wife, the girlfriend he “loaned” $60,000 when he took his year-end bonus. I’ve been told she believes he is a changed man. His family’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy continues to work for him, especially since I have no interest in any contact with him or them and our girls are playing along with the game. He knows I won’t go out of my way to “out” him, but I wont remain silent if confronted either.

I don’t believe Scott will address his addiction or his other challenges as long as his cover story works for him. Even if he hits rock bottom, I doubt he has the strength to work a twelve step program for his addiction, not to mention the therapy needed to get him through the rest.

As for me, I have tried to understand Scott’s challenges by researching sex and other addictions and the twelve step program for recovery. I found Russell Brand’s book, “Recovery: Freedom from Our Addictions,” a particularly good resource about addiction and recovery. Also helpful were the countless discussions with caring friends who have been there. Have I spent to much time thinking about him? Maybe so but it has helped me to heal and move it along.

I feel compassion for him. It must be torture juggling his two lives, secret and public. I would even try to help him, if I thought he had a genuine desire to recover. My feelings do not extend to forgiveness, however.  The girls and I were collateral damage to his sex crazed shit show. He could have been honest and taken personal responsibility for his actions at any step in the journey. Instead, he always chose the easy way out — for him. The easiest for him was always toughest for me.  My friends say I will forgive him at some point, though I am doubtful.

I am a work in progress.